How to be Happy (2024)
How to be Happy (2024)
An in-depth dive into what comprises a truly happy and meaningful life, and how you can achieve it heading into 2024.
Overview
This is a long-form blog post discussing the topic of happiness, sharing philosophies I believe could improve your happiness, and how I currently view the best way to live my own happy life. I delve into a minimalist mindset, deconstruct why I don’t believe the ‘standard life path’ is necessarily right for me, and quote a lot of authors and people smarter than me along the way.
This is a rather long post, but I hope you will read it through because it contains several sub-essays talking through my current thought process and philosophy regarding each ‘pillar’ of life. You do not have to read it all in one go, you could read one section at a time, then return to continue at a later point.
NB If you’re reading this in the email you will need to visit adosi.substack.com to read the entire post.
The Happiness Plan: 2024
Reading Time: ~1 hour | Published: Friday 27th October 2023
The World in 2023
Here we are nearing the end of 2023, and everything looks as if it is about to fall apart and the world is going to end. In the UK, the cost of living has risen over the past year and inflation has been sat at around 8%. There are wars raging around the world, political tensions are seemingly volatile, the widening of political polarisation shows no signs of slowing down, diseases and hunger issues still exist in poor nations, corrupt political systems operate at the expense of their populous, and there are environmental challenges which need to be addressed. And then, there is the uncertainty regarding the rapid advancement of AI, which could be a negative or a positive.
It can be easy in the world of social media and hyperconnectivity to think the world is worse than it has ever been. The Media expose us to constant negativity, and our brains dwell on these negative stories we are fed due to our primitive survival instinct - after all, it does not benefit us to remember the positive things because they are not the things which have the potential to kill us.
Not everything sucks
Despite all this negativity, the world is not as bad as it seems. Abject poverty has decreased over the past 200 years from 75% of the population down to 10% of the population, all the while the population has grown by 8 times in that same period. Technology has improved healthcare, and the average lifespan over the past 200 years has increased from 29 years up to 71.
The world has it's challenges for sure, but so has every generation before. As the maxim goes: every generation believes they’re at the precipice of the end.
There is a narcissistic tendency to believe we (as in society at large) are going through the hardest times, the most pressing challenges in human history. Maybe we are, but there is also a large chance we are not. We believe people in history do not hold the answers, that we are smarter than them. My belief is that we are pretty much just the same as people who came before us - just with better technology and better access to information.
Things are out of our control
The Stoic philosophers lived around 2,000 years ago. I have read a lot of Stoicism this year, and taken it to heart. I strongly believe we should put into practice the core tenets of Stoicism: 'to live in accordance with nature' and to 'only be concerned with what is in our control.' Thinking like this means we can irradicate a lot of the problems listed above from our mind, but not necessarily from our heart.
The thing to remember is: these global challenges are not our fault, nor are they our (total) responsibility. Is it fair that we are at the mercy of world leaders not setting off nuclear devices? Not particularly. But, being concerned about the possibility is not going to change the fact we have absolutely no control as an individual on a day-to-day basis over these sorts of potentially global existential problems.
Stoicism has truly taught me to let go of things which are not in my control. Short of specialising in these disciplines: I can't fix the environment; I can't ensure AI will benefit mankind in a harmonious way; nor can I stop any present wars, or future ones. The only things I can control are: what I do, how I approach my life, and my attitude.
There was a line from the latest Spider-Man movie which I believe is worth mentioning. In Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, Peter B. Parker says to Miles:
“Bad things are gonna happen, and that's okay. It makes us who we are. But good things happen too.”
Peter B. Parker, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
Sometimes bad things will just happen regardless of the way you act, but other times you will be fortunate. The Stoic approach is to take these bouts of luck for what they are and keep controlling what you can.
Once you truly appreciate that so many things are not in your control, you can begin to let go of things you have no influence over. If you try or wish to control what you cannot, you will become frustrated and unhappy.
The ancients knew how to live
I have quoted Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius over 50 times in my Daily Quotes series (at the time of writing), all of these are Stoics. The Stoics, in particular, stand out to me due to their no-nonsense philosophy. The Stoics were not concerned about pedantic arguments over some thought up contradiction; the Stoics cared about discovering and sharing the practical, implementable, ways of living to reduce suffering and improve one's happiness.
For example, Epictetus spoke in his discourses about anxiety. He said:
“Whenever I see a person suffering from nervousness, I think, well, what can he expect? If he had not set his sights on things outside man’s control, his nervousness would end at once. Take a lyre player: he’s relaxed when he performs alone, but put him in front of an audience, and it’s a different story, no matter how beautiful his voice or how well he plays the instrument. Why? Because he not only wants to perform well, he wants to be well received - and the latter lies outside his control.”
Epictetus, Discourses (Book II, 13, On nerves)
This is just one example which shows the power of letting go of what is not in our control. We cannot control the impulses or reactions of other people. When we accept that it is how we process and respond to the actions of others that matters, we become more aligned with only what is in our control.
How is it that 2,000 years ago philosophers had the answers, yet the same problems are still occurring today?
Happiness
I have thought about and questioned what the path to a happier life is for years. I have read many books to try and understand how best to spend my life. I am not an expert, and I am only in my early twenties. My understanding will likely morph, change, and grow, but I am going to outline to you what I currently believe to be the path to a happier life.
What is happiness?
I think the first thing is to clarify what I mean by 'happiness'. Happiness when talking in regard to life does not mean 'happy', it means satisfaction and fulfilment. It is unrealistic to expect your life to be joyous 100% of the time; but, it is not entirely unreasonable to get to a point where you are content with your situation 95% or more of the time.
In a talk Jordan Peterson gave at the Cambridge Union in 2021, he listed a few areas which give a person a foundation in life. Peterson proposed that your life requires:
friends you can rely on (and see often),
an intimate relationship,
being educated to the level you desire (or are capable of achieving),
having a career (or at least a job),
taking care of your health, physically and mentally (including the regulation of drug and alcohol usage).
These are somewhat the pillars of life, these are not all that life is comprised of, but if you have these you will feel your life has meaning. Notice that neither money nor fame appear on Peterson's list.
It is worth pointing out that the weighting and prioritisation of each of these (or other elements not included in Peterson's list) varies from person to person and only you can decide what they are for yourself. There was a moment from The Diary of a CEO podcast, where Steven Bartlett was speaking with Dr Rangan Chatterjee. Dr Chatterjee spoke of how happiness comes from being aligned with our own intrinsic view of the world. How aligned your life is to how you wish to act is what matters. Keep in mind that what my plan for happiness is will likely differ from your own. We each need to find what matters to each of us and go about making that a priority.
With that said, let's go through some of the stereotypical aspects of what makes a good and happy life - as well as a few unexpected ones - and I shall share my current thoughts on them.
Economic Security
Money
Money is unavoidable. Money is not evil. It is incredibly useful. Rather than exchanging a sheep for a loaf of bread, we have this temporary medium of Currency to store the value of what we have provided to someone until we come across something we deem worthy of a trade. Money should not be viewed as anything other than a tool for the exchange of value. That said, having lots of money will not bring you happiness - especially if you sacrifice your time doing something you do not enjoy to acquire it.
The Sigma Male Grindset is a toxic attitude towards living life. It promises that if you sacrifice everything now for financial gain and become a millionaire, you will be happy in the future. This is what Prince Ea refers to as 'And Then People' in his video Stop Wasting Your Life. If you work with the sole ambition of making money, your life will be miserable.
Successful people within Western Society, typically, can be seen to have gone through, or still have, the Sigma Male Grindset. These people have lots of money, a big house, the latest fashion, go out to fancy restaurants, go on luxurious holidays, and drive expensive cars. Does this really equate to happiness though?
What are the happiest moments of your life? Seriously, take a moment to think about it. For me, the things which come to mind are spending time with other people, making memories. They are primarily simple things, such as hanging out and laughing with my mates, playing video games with my brother, my dad coming back from military deployment, and funny little dumb moments on family holidays (one specifically of my mum springs to mind!). It's ironic that, although some of these have a financial element to them, these memories are not dependant on money but on being with people you love.
There is a show in the UK, called 'Rich House Poor House' on Channel 5, where they take a family from the poorest 10% of the country and swap their lives with a family from the richest 1%. The common lesson they come away having learnt is: money does not buy happiness, but financial freedom reduces stress and makes life easier. If this is the case, but we want to avoid the sigma male grind for financial gain, how do we achieve the balance?
The Stoic Seneca wrote:
“...if it is cheerful it is not poverty at all. It is not the man who has too little who is poor, but the one who hankers after more.”
Seneca, Letter II
Financial freedom comes from matching your income level with your desires, or vice versa. Once you have sorted through your desires, you should aim to achieve the level of financial freedom and stability that matches your needs, so you are not stressed about where the next paycheque is coming from.
I have come to a theory that the way to become rich is to minimise the amount of money I require. This is basically minimalism, so I can't claim I have invented something revolutionary, but I care deeply about my nuanced approach and believe it will reduce the stress for my future self.
Property
In June of 20231, the average house price in England was £306,000. That means, if you were to put down a 26% deposit2 you would require nearly £80,0003 as a deposit! Who can save up £80,000 before they start a family, especially when the average salary is just under £32,000? Once you had managed to get the deposit together, for the next 25 years of your life you would have to keep up monthly repayments of £1,4504. Your mortgage alone, at this rate, would cost £17,400 per annum, which is over half the average UK salary - there are also additional fees to pay, such as stamp duty and legal fees.
From the vantage point of someone who is looking to move out of my childhood home and start my own life, things seem very bleak; but, I do have an idea which lines up with my own desires.
I believe a small modular home which I design for mine and my family's needs is the way to go. With a cost of approximately £70,000 per module I could buy some land and plonk down a small modular home of my design (which would be built to modern day efficiency standards saving on running costs) and pay a total of approximately £200,000 + fees. A mortgage of that size would still require a sizeable deposit of £52,000 (at 26%), but the monthly repayment would fall drastically down to £948. To me, earning £948 per month is much more easily achievable than £1,450 - and it would be a house designed specifically to mine and my family's needs.
I would not sacrifice on quality. I would still put in luxury brands, but I would not feel the need to have an excessive amount. My theory is, the higher the quality the item, the less it will cost me in the long run - Miele appliances, for example, all have 20 year warranties which would pay for themselves in comparison to going through 3 or 4 cheaper appliances in the same period of time.
For me, it’s about flexibility. I would never want to feel forced to stay in a high earning job due to the financial situation I had set up for myself - it would be like walking into a self-made trap. To quote from Seneca's On The Shortness of Life:
“Life will not just be short, but very miserable for those who acquire by great toil what they must keep by greater toil.”
Seneca, On The Shortness of Life
If I have to graft hard to plant a stake on the property ladder, I will have to keep grafting just as hard to ensure that I keep what I had acquired.
Think back to those Sigma Male Grindset individuals I was illuding to, whom would likely take out mortgages on multi-million pound houses. Their monthly mortgage repayments would be extortionate! Some won't be in financial trouble, but there will be some who are punching above their weight and stuck in a job they don't actually enjoy. Yes, they own a multi-million pound house, but they are a slave to their work in order to maintain their way of living. For what? A social status symbol that they are 'successful'? Yet another quote from Seneca comes to mind:
“…men in a state of freedom had thatch for their shelter, while slavery dwells beneath marble and gold.”
Seneca, Letter XC
Travel
The next big one for most people (based on what I saw on dating profiles over the years) is the emphasis on travelling the world. Recently, I have had a change of heart - once again, thanks to Stoicism.
Seneca (my favourite Stoic author, if you couldn't tell) wrote:
“How can novelty of surroundings abroad and becoming acquainted with foreign scenes or cities be of any help? All that dashing about turns out to be quite futile. And if you want to know why all this running away cannot help you, the answer is simply this: you are running away from your own company.”
Seneca, Letter XXVIII
He goes on to write:
“Where you arrive does not matter so much as what sort of person you are when you arrive.”
Seneca, Letter XXVIII
Going on holiday will not make you happier, although it will expose you to novel experiences - but novelty is a one trick pony. Mark Manson said in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck:
“When you're pursuing a wide breadth of experience, there are diminishing returns to each new adventure, each new person or thing. When you've never left your home country, the first country you visit inspires a massive perspective shift, because you have such a narrow experience base to draw on. But when you've been to twenty countries, the twenty first adds little. And when you've been to fifty, the fifty-first adds even less.”
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
This is not to say holidays or travelling abroad is something you should avoid, but in my view the glamourisation that the ideal life is to be constantly on the move and seeing everything the world has to offer is not the key to happiness. As Dr Rangan Chatterjee said on the Diary of a CEO podcast:
“That big billboard image of the happy family on the beach, with a smile on their faces, and the ocean behind them. . .that's a pleasurable experience. It can form part of a happy life, but that's not happiness.”
Dr Rangan Chaterjee, The Diary of A CEO: E129
After experiencing a wonderful part of Scotland this year, I realised that if I situated myself in a particular location which caters to my desires, maybe in the UK or elsewhere in the world, I could diminish feeling like I need to escape and go on holiday as often.
This is not to say that exploring the world is not something I would wish to do, nor would I not want to leave my home. I would love to be able to go for day trips to new places, a weekend away, or a larger holiday abroad every now and then; however, I know my happiness does not depend on the accessibility to these experiences - especially if I set my life up in the way which is most adapted to my wishes.
Other Luxuries
I studied a degree in the automotive field, so that should tell you that I love cars. I still do. I admire the beauty, sound, and performance of supercars as much as I ever have; I just no longer desire to own one. Much like the problem with even the average house, being able to purchase a supercar would require a great amount of toil, thus greater to maintain it in running order. To me, a car, now, should be safe, well built, economical, and environmentally beneficial (not necessarily electric).
Clothing is something I have already changed in my life. Since last year, I just wear white t-shirts and a pair of jeans, but again good quality so that they last. Personally, I never subscribed to the notion of fashion trends, so this is a much easier thing for me to let go. I don't have to think about what top I am to wear on a daily basis, the hardest decision for me is as to whether it is long-sleeved or short-sleeved. There is a concept called Decision Fatigue where we are faced with hundreds of choices every day that we can become tired and drained by doing so. Simply by wearing the same outfit, it is one less decision you have to make in the morning. People should be interested in the person, not the outfit.
I am a lover of technology, but that has probably begun to wain quite drastically over the past year or so. I have only ever had two phones - and I only got the second one because my first got well and truly smashed in a cycling accident. What is a phone used for? It’s a communication device. Really, any phone beyond the iPhone 3GS was somewhat of an unnecessary improvement. The fundamental usage of a phone does not require us to upgrade it every year - mine is now 4 years old and still perfectly functioning. The same goes for all technology. Ask yourself: does this still serve it's purpose? If so, you probably don't need a new one.
With all of these other luxuries, my happiness has increased at the inverse proportional rate at which my desire to attain them decreased. I will finish this section with this great quote from Seneca:
“Until we have begun to go without them, we fail to realise how unnecessary many things are. We've been using them not because we needed them but because we had them.”
Seneca, Letter CXXIII
Minimalism is the Answer
All of the topics I have outlined above point to the fact that minimalism is the answer for me. Design a house which is small and restrained to meet mine and my family's needs; set myself up in a location where I do not feel a need to escape; go travelling when we feel there is something we would like to experience; keep to the essentials of what is needed, not what is trendy. This reduction of desire means that the financial pressure I previously felt throughout my late teens and into university has been massively alleviated.
Now that I have outlined my financial desires, how do I plan to attain them, without compromising my happiness?
Career
Passion and Motivation
You have to feel like you are passionate about what you do. Several months ago, I was working on a project (let's call this Project A) and I was putting in 10 hours plus a day, every day of the week. I don't look back at that period of time and think that I was unhappy - my life may have been imbalanced, but - I enjoyed waking up knowing what I had to do that day. I knew each morning waking up that I was moving towards a project goal. That is an incredibly powerful feeling. It is not necessarily a feeling of being motivated, it is simply knowing that you have a series of tasks in front of you in order to complete the overall vision.
On the contrary, when Project A slowed down and my attention eased, I found it a lot more difficult to get myself to sit down at my desk and work. When the next project came along, let's call it Project B, I did not feel compelled to work, to be honest I did not care about this new project. This lead me to wait for 5pm to stop working, and also live for the weekend.
You should not wake up on a Monday and think 'I do not want to get out of bed.' or 'I do not want to go to work.' There may be days like that, but that feeling should dissipate as soon as you actually get on with work. Once my project slowed down, I found myself not wanting to do anything meaningful, the motivation to work was limited. Honestly, I hated the way I felt. When I was working 10 hour days every day, that felt easy to me in comparison, and that came from a derived sense of purpose.
Sense of Purpose
When working hard on a project, it feels like you are a part of something. I believe it helps significantly if what you are working on, or towards, is something which you are interested in and/or matters to you. The most powerful motivator is if the work matters to you; but just because something does not matter to you, doesn't mean you are not interested in it.
I work developing video games. I know video games do not matter, I personally do not spend any time now, outside of my job, playing video games. Just because video games really do not matter to me does not mean I cannot be interested by the subject matter in the game, nor the actual process of creation itself. There is a limit though.
It is really difficult to feel motivated to do work if the work you do does not matter and it does not interest you. Project B, I referred to earlier, was a more realistically-styled game that was more combat focused. Working on this felt like trying to drag a mountain up another mountain. I personally found it really difficult to work towards the project because, simply put, I just did not care. The potential earnings from this would have been okay, but due to my attitude towards money it just felt like a huge lie to myself to work on something which didn't interest me, did not matter to me, nor did the potential reward of money matter to me enough either. This alludes to something I would call the Triad of Motivation.
The Triad of Motivation
The Triad of Motivation (ToM) is key. To be really motivated for a project it has to be something which you care about, which interests you, and rewards you with something which is meaningful. The Triad of Motivation: Value, Interest, and Reward.
With Project A, I worked on it because it was something which interested me and I was hopeful that the outcome would be something which I would enjoy playing myself, and there would be financial benefit - which considering my income had been incredibly low for an extended period of time, became more enticing. Whilst the Value of the project did not line up with my core beliefs, the other two parts of the ToM worked to get me out of bed as soon as my alarm went off - sometimes before if there was something I was particularly excited to work on (Interest).
If we move to Project B, the project was still not something I particularly Valued, but the Reward was still there the same as before. The key difference this time is that I was not Interested in the subject matter. When there is only one part of the ToM your drive to be productive will be virtually non-existent.
Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation
The reality is unless you are a millionaire with no need to work for external rewards, such as fame, money, or power, then you will most likely fall victim to a mixture of Intrinsic Motivation and Extrinsic Motivation.
Extrinsic Motivation occurs because you either need or want an external reward (fame, money, or power). If you are extrinsically motivated you may end up doing a task you do not care about or even believe is right, but you do so because your need/desire for an external reward overpowers your inner-self.
Intrinsic Motivation, on the other hand, comes from within. You do it because you enjoy doing so, and/or it aligns, fulfils, and satisfies some moral and ethical part of your character.
Needless to say, following intrinsic motivations is the much more satisfying path. As Maya Angelo said:
“Pursue the things you love doing and do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you.”
Maya Angelo
If you do what you love so well, you may be rewarded extrinsically down the line. It is much harder, and cannot be guaranteed, but following your intrinsic motivations is a path to much greater happiness.
Autonomy
It is a well known fact that people perform better, and feel far happier when they feel they are in control of their life - both in terms of how they go about their work, and in constructing their daily activities. It is simply a sense of freedom, and not feeling like you are being forced to carry out an act, which causes autonomy to be such a powerful factor of happiness.
I am self-employed, fortunately I have been able to make this work (at least for now), and this has given me huge freedom to decide what I do, when I want to do it. If I want to take a day out I can do this at any time. If I need a dentist appointment, I don't need to be concerned about lining it up with work events, or my boss' schedule. Simply put, the freedom to structure your life how you see fit is an incredibly powerful feeling.
Not everyone has this luxury, I understand that. This is where my thoughts on minimalism come in. Due to the reduction in desire for a large house, and my avoidance of increasing my monthly outgoings through material desires (or even bills that would come along with a larger house), this means the ability to be able to maintain my autonomy is high. I believe autonomy is open to everyone, they just have to prioritise what matters to them. If the big house matters to you, then your desire for financial gain will impede on your autonomy. Vice verse though, if you want to travel, but you don't have the financial means to do so, then your autonomy is reduced because of the lack of financial means. It is a delicate balancing act each person must craft for themselves.
Passive Income
Passive income is the golden ticket to financial freedom, and increased autonomy. If you can find a way of producing work which continues to pay out after you have completed it, that is passive income. If you can marry up your passions with means of passive income you have come across a diamond.
Saving is a simple way of producing a passive income. A simple savings account accruing interest is a form of passive income. Investing is a form of passive income which can yield larger returns, through investing in stocks, or investing in real-estate.
Passive income will not directly make you happy, but because it will enable your autonomy to increase then it is not unreasonable to suggest that passive income will indirectly cause you to be happier. That said, even if you generated enough passive income streams to live on, retirement is not the key to happiness either. You have to have something to work on which is meaningful and that you care about (returning back to the section on Passion and Motivation, as well as Intrinsic Motivation).
What makes a happy career?
With all of this in mind, from my perspective, the key to a happy work life is to find ways of working on something which is something you value, something which interests you, and that rewards you in the way you require it to. If you only have one of three aspects of the Triad of Motivation, you will probably have a miserable work life. If possible, a sense of autonomy is also important, feeling like you have control over how your work day is structured is critical to feeling valued and responsible within your career. The final one is finding ways of converting what you are passionate about into passive forms of income; but, this is the cherry on top, not the foundation.
For me, fortunately (again, at least right now), I am finding a way of incorporating all of these aspects. Each project I work on continues to pay out beyond when I have completed the work. I focus on projects which I find interesting and rewarding. This blog is where I can derive value from my work, it interests me, but right now it does not extrinsically reward me - hence, I need to continue with my other job. I get to decide my schedule, allowing me freedom to do what I want, almost whenever I want to. This is an incredibly fortunate position to be in, and to deny the role luck has played in unfolding this circumstance would be wrong; equally, it is a situation I have had influence in crafting for myself by reducing the desire for excessive financial gain.
There is one thing which makes for a happy career which I am lacking. A happy career is heavily dependant on the relationships, social connections, and interactions you have on a daily basis.
Relationships
I have never been one for socialisation. If I reflect, I do not know where this comes from. Is it from a shyness, or is it from being perfectly content in my own company? I am certainly more introverted, but I do also enjoy social contact. It was not until after the Covid Pandemic lockdowns that I realised how critical it was to have social contact.
The Importance of Social Connection
According to Dr. Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, social connection is the most important factor when it comes to happiness. Not money, not fame; social connection. I read their book, 'The Good Life', and came away with a greater appreciation for not only how social connection is vital to sustain us, but how to improve my relationships as well. In their book, they state that being chronically lonely (extended periods of loneliness) is as bad for our health as smoking (over a life-time), and your life could be cut short by up to 14 years, partly due to the physiological stress placed on your body.
Being lonely is a subjective experience, but regardless of what that experience entails for each individual, I believe it can be defined as: the feeling of unmet interpersonal/social needs.
We were successful in evolution because we were social creatures. We worked well in groups which is why we became the dominant species on the planet. Our primal brains evolved over millions of years (our earliest 'Modern Human' ancestor 'Lucy' is thought to have lived 3.2 million years ago), and in the past 100 years - moreover last 30 years - we have gone through an astronomical and exponential technological revolution, which has displaced our evolutionary capabilities to where we are starting to live out of sequence with how we are actually evolved to live.
Our ancestors' local bands (groups) are estimated to have been approximately 25 to 30 people, but that was placed within a larger (more spread out) tribe of potentially 500 to 1,000. The reason this is worth pointing out is because I doubt people could realistically say they have 25 to 30 close contacts or people they rely on daily, but that is the way we have evolved to live. This is why being bullied or being rejected hurts so much, because it sets off an alarm in the primitive part of your brain that you are not part of the tribe. In palaeolithic eras, being rejected from the tribe would have meant you died, so we evolved to make sure we get along with others.
I am not advocating that we become dependant on 30 other people, nor that we take ourselves back to the stone age. Modern life has many benefits and that means we can live comfortably by ourselves, but socially and evolutionary we still require physical, real-world, proximity and contact with a group of people. Without it, as Dr Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz have discovered, we lead very unhappy and short lives.
Improving my social connection
I had not read ‘The Good Life’ when the Covid lockdowns came to an end in the spring of 2021 (it was only published at the start of 2023), but even then I knew I needed to expand my social circle.
Admittedly, I had somewhat of an ulterior motive in the sense that I joined social clubs in the hope of finding a girlfriend. The reality is, although that was my primary hope, I was also just after improving my social confidence and widening my social circle. I took up kickboxing for 18 months, but I always had one-on-one tuition, which meant that I never developed any friends beyond my coach.
I then joined the local tennis club which has proved to be a much more social experience; a minor issue is that there is no one really in their twenties at this club. I have met, pretty much, no one my own age, and certainly no potential girlfriend. That said, in terms of improving my social connection, tennis has been the real standout. I have made a few friends at the club and dozens of acquaintances, which is a major improvement to increase my social circle beyond the few very close friends I have.
These minor social connections and interactions actually have a much bigger impact on us than we realise. Simple interactions can make us feel welcome and part of a community. Simple exchanges of ‘hello’ can be enough to feel seen and provide social comfort.
I have come to realise recently, the best social connections, though, stem from a mutual sense of understanding: you feel understood, and so does the other person - down to the emotional level, not just with surface-level opinions. This creates an intimate connection between two people. Not all of your relationships need to have this level of connection, but the most important ones in your life should.
Social connection at work
I understand the lure to work-from-home, it is easier and cheaper (you don’t have to commute), but you lose major daily real-world contact with your co-workers. In ‘The Good Life’, the authors write about how only 30% of people felt they had a friend at work. Out of the 70% of people who said they didn’t have a friend at work, pretty much all reported feeling disconnected from the work they were doing. Social connections, and workplace friendships, improve the quality of your work life - yet since covid, everyone seems to be running to bolt up their doors and never come out of isolation again!
Romantic Relationships
We are evolved to pair-bond. It is an evolutionary instinct hardwired into the most primitive part of our brains to ensure the survival of our species. On the list of priorities in our instinct-driven brain, up the top comes having children (probably just after basic survival). This is why there is a huge importance and desire to have romantic relationships for the vast majority of us.
I am a romantic. I believe there is no more important relationship in your life than with the person you will hopefully raise children with one day. For a long time, I have desired a romantic relationship - just deeply and innately. I want to spend as much of my life as possible with the woman I love, for the simple reason that we never know when our lives will come to an end. What is more important than love? I would estimate not much according to our primitive instincts.
There is an incredible power when you are in a loving, intimate, relationship that was explained in ‘The Good Life’. I wrote about this in Daily Quote No. 130:
In an experiment, people placed in an fMRI machine were exposed to a minor electric shock whilst either: being by themselves, holding a stranger’s hand, or holding their intimate partner’s hand. Those who held the hand of their significant other reported feeling the shock less, and the fMRI showed that their anxiety centres in the brain were significantly less active than those who held a strangers hand, and the effect was even more pronounced when compared with those whom were completely alone. [Source: ‘The Good Life’, Dr. Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, Page 175 (‘The Person Beside You': ‘Loving Contact’)]
Being in a loving, committed, relationship literally eases your suffering and provides you with valuable support and comfort.
The pursuit of romantic relationships
In this day and age, it can feel like an absolute nightmare trying to ignite a new romantic relationship. Recently, there has been a massive shift and uptick in the amount of relationships starting online. 32% of relationships were started online between 2015 and 2019 - this could increase to over 50% by 2035 - although this may already have been accelerated due to the Covid Pandemic.
I am an introverted person. I very rarely introduce myself to new people because I constantly think: 'Why would someone want to be bothered by me? They probably have a thousand more important things going on in their lives.' This is a problem when trying to find a romantic partner, coupled with the fact my social circle is relatively small anyway, and I am self-employed and work from home. The only option I feel is available to me is online dating.
Online Dating
Everyone who joins online dating sites imagines instant success, that the right person for them is just around the corner - that's because that is exactly the promise these sites make!
Over my three years on dating sites, I have probably racked up a few hundred matches, had dozens of actual conversations, only a handful which felt like they could go somewhere, I have received three numbers, and I have only been on one date (at the time of writing), resulting in zero relationships.
I have fluctuated over my three years on dating sites from profile mimicry (copying responses I felt were good from other people), to funny profile, to ultra serious profile, to slightly frustrated profile, to now just an honest profile which tries to unapologetically show who I am. Unsurprisingly, this last profile is the one which has brought the most success. This is summed up in a quote by Adam Lane Smith:
“The people who love you want you to be your real self, not a fake image that makes them feel good.”
Adam Lane Smith
Be authentic to yourself and allow that to come across to other people.
The Real World
I am not ruling out the real world, I just am not relying on it. There are paths I see such as: joining social clubs, sports clubs, going to events you are interested in, or even just on-the-off-chance encounters. I am not shutting down any possibility, nor should you - I just know that with online dating, the people you see (at least some of them) are there for very similar reasons to you.
“The One”
In my second relaunched Dairy entry, I wrote about how I believe a successful relationship is likely to come about:
"The person you spend your life with should be someone who shares the same foundational values as you. You should naturally be aiming at the same target before you even speak or meet."
I don't think you should try to morph someone to your preferences - but, mutual growth decisions or asking for minor habit alterations would be acceptable. Everyone is an individual, that should not be supressed. Nor should you want someone to be dependant on, or want someone to be dependant on you. A romantic relationship should be a deep, emotionally intimate, trusting, and committed partnership, which allows you to mutually support each other and grow together.
I know the sort of person whom I would like to end up with. I know who I'm attracted to.
For me, I am serious about trying to find the person to spend my life with - or romantically, 'The One'. To find this person, whilst dating, the focus should be on finding out each others desires, dreams, and life philosophy - not as to whether they thought the first or fourth season of ‘Stranger Things’ was better! The person you spend your life with should be someone who shares the same values as you, but also challenges you, keeps you honest, and makes you intrinsically want to be the best version of yourself.
I think we have to be careful about the idea of 'The One' when dating, especially online. The initial profile or message will signal to you some potential of your match, but you cannot judge someone based purely on their profile or the initial conversation you have because the information available at that stage is so limited. This swings both ways, do not dismiss someone, nor get attached. You will never know if they are a candidate for 'The One' until you actually invest some time and effort into understanding the other person on an emotionally intimate level - you never know, they may just surprise you after a couple of weeks of talking or on a second date (again, this can swing both ways). If there is attraction, give them a chance; that said, don't force something or lead them on either.
In my view, as vulnerable as this makes you to potential heartbreak or breaking someone else's, you should be honest and open with your communication and feelings as this is what will build a sense of trust, understanding, and emotional intimacy between you and your date. As I mentioned earlier with general relationships, that mutual sense of feeling understood between two people is what unlocks the most meaningful relationships.
If there is a dealbreaker - I mean a mature and real dealbreaker, not a bullshit 'Ick' - talk it through with them, is it something you can mutually work together to overcome? The ability to discuss differences, or issues, in a non-combative way will signal the potential health of the future relationship. What is the level of perfection you are after in your life partner, and is it realistic? As Sean put it in the masterpiece Good Will Hunting:
"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
Sean, Good Will Hunting
Whomever I date, I want to establish a shared bedrock foundation of values, goals, and philosophy. To be vulnerable and open with each other, as this will develop trust, understanding, and commitment. Once this foundation is laid, we can build the blossoming relationship on top, full of confidence. When any conflicts arise, we can deal with them calmly and work together to resolve them, knowing that we both have that solid bedrock to support us through any issues. Don't build a flashy house on sand, for when the tide comes in the house will fall down. If me and my date can develop this foundation, that is when I will know that they are 'The One' for me.
A healthy mindset in dating
I know that this is the most important thing to me. I am confident that it will be one of the most fulfilling parts of my life (hopefully along with having kids). There is no point worrying about things which I cannot control. I cannot make someone fall in love with me, nor should I fool myself into thinking that I love someone. When the right person comes along it should be a mutual thing. Patience is a virtue. Things may go wrong a hundred times, but it only has to work out once.
Relationships are everything
Relationships are critical to our success, survival, and happiness. We have relationships with everyone we encounter, and we seriously need strong relationships in each area of our lives from work, to our community, to with our family, and with our romantic partner too. We need casual relationships; but, most importantly we need those emotionally intimate connections - those are the ones which will be the most fulfilling.
There is such a critical need to prioritise real social connection in this increasingly pseudo-connected world, because without our social needs being met it will take a serious toll on our mental and physical health.
Health
Beyond relationships, the most important thing to me is my health. I believe that without your health you cannot really enjoy anything in life. Steven Bartlett wrote in his book The Diary of a CEO for Law #9:
"...my work, my girlfriend, my friends, my dog, my family and everything I owned were all just items placed on a fragile table called my 'health'.
Life could take any of those items off the table - as it often does - and I would still have everything else on the table. You could remove my dog, God forbid, and I'd still have everything else on the table; you could take my girlfriend off the table, and I would still have everything else; but if you removed the table - my health - everything falls to the floor. I would lose it all.
Everything is contingent on the table.
Everything is contingent on my health."Steven Bartlett, The Diary of a CEO: The 33 Laws of Business & Life
Without health, everything else in your life will suffer. This is why I have strived to improve my physical and mental health, both in terms of vitality and longevity.
Lifespan and Healthspan
People often dismiss those who engage in longevity practices (putting in work to extend their lives) by saying 'you could get hit by a bus', or 'who wants to live that long anyway, because old age is miserable'. To these arguments I respectively bring the Stoic mantra that some things are out of our control, and that by putting certain practices in place we can improve vitality of life (i.e. remain healthier for longer) which makes old age better. It is not a pointless cause.
Dr. Peter Attia states in his book ‘Outlive’ that: Lifespan deals with the length of life, whereas Healthspan is a rebrand of vitality of life - i.e. period of being healthy in life. He also explains that the ideal situation is, rather than a gradual decline in the second half of life, we could lengthen our Healthspan so that our decline is delayed, but more rapid when it occurs. This sounds quite bad at first, however if you think about it: would you rather you suffer over a long period of time or have a short period of suffering before you pass away?
Because we don't know what could happen to us - be it an unfortunate accident or a global crisis out of our hands - I like to think that increased vitality is a great reason to focus on health anyway. I want to have a good immune system and mobility. I want to have energy and generally feel good throughout the day. There's a few key things to allow this to happen.
Exercise
Fortunately, my parents brought me up as an active child. I have always been involved in some form of sport. This passion for exercise has continued into my adult life.
Exercise is really good for your mental health. No matter what form of exercise you do, you get some form of 'runner's high' afterwards. Beyond this, according to Healthline, cardiovascular exercise (running, swimming, walking, cycling etc.): decreases your risk of heart disease, lowers blood pressure, reduces chronic pain, aids sleep, strengthens your immune system, and slows brain tissue deterioration (after 30). Needless to say, it is incredibly beneficial on all fronts.
Although cardiovascular exercise is the most popular for the general public, strength training is just as important! It is not just for Gym Bros, and even if you worked out seriously for years you would not end up looking like 'The Rock'! According to Healthline, strength training: makes you stronger, lowers your risk of injury, makes bones stronger, and improves quality of life, particularly as you age.
If you don't think you have time for exercise, then this quote from the 15th Earl of Derby, Edward Stanley, from the late 1800s should change your mind:
"Those who think they have no time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.”
Edward Stanley
You don't get to not make a sacrifice of time. Either you sacrifice time for exercise or you will be forced to sacrifice time (both in terms of quantity and quality) for illness. By exercising you will feel so much better, live a life with more vitality, and live longer in the process.
Find the exercises or sports you enjoy doing. Make them social. Create a responsibility with a friend to keep each other honest. Exercise doesn't have to be a chore.
I also find that when you are in an exercise routine it is much easier to be able to maintain other healthy habits, including a healthier diet.
Diet
You are what you eat. This is true in every sense. I have become a massive fan of nutrition. I find researching the nutritional benefits and values of different foods fascinating - I can get immersed in it for hours. I have also discovered in this time that diet and nutrition is an absolute minefield full of contradictory information, usually spurred on my media headlines that one thing is good, and the other thing is bad. The one thing I would take away is: context is everything when it comes to nutrition.
One quick example. You have probably heard that the artificial sweetener Aspartame used in diet soda drinks, such as Diet Coke and Coke Zero, is carcinogenic and should be avoided at all costs. I looked into this the other day and found out that it has been recategorized as a 'possible carcinogen', but is safe to consume for 99.9% of the population. According to the US Food and Drugs Agency, as well as the European Food Safety Agency, someone who weighs 72kg (11st 5lb) could consume 14 cans of Coke Zero a day before it even became a possible cancer risk. 14 cans per day!5 If you're consuming this much aspartame you probably have other issues! The point of this little anecdote is not to say you should consume a lot of artificial sweeteners (or that artificial sweeteners are even healthy), but to show the absolute nightmare of trying to figure out the best diet and nutrition for yourself - a lot of things are a trade-off, not a perfect solution.
This isn't going to be a deep dive into nutrition because that's not the point of this post. But, how do I focus on making sure I am healthy, whilst also being happy with what I eat?
My basic principle is: find ways of eating what you like in less unhealthy ways. If you force yourself to eat healthy foods that you don't actually want to eat, you're going to hate your life. I like to use the website Healthline to find out about the nutrition of different foods. Also, reading 'Glucose Revolution' by Jessie Inchauspé really helped to shift my understanding of diet - in particular, carbohydrates.
This stuff takes time to pick up, understand, and integrate. You can start by questioning what meals you enjoy eating, then asking 'how can I alter this to make it slightly healthier?' I'm probably not eating the most optimal/healthy diet right now, but it's a start. Over time, I will keep learning and improving it, altering and substituting parts of my meals so that they become healthier over time. I recommend you take a serious interest in your diet, because I honestly feel so much better now since improving my nutrition. (I still have the cheeky piece of cake every now and then - I’m only human!)
The other dietary habit I have is intermittent fasting. I eat during an 8 hour window, which restricts snacking ability - hence reducing the amount of food consumed. It is not an excuse to eat whatever you like during this window, you still should eat healthily and not over eat. Intermittent fasting isn't for everyone, and may have adverse consequences for women, but for men it has major benefits on the hormonal and cellular level. Intermittent fasting is known to have longevity benefits too - I'd recommend reading 'Lifespan' by David Sinclair if you are interested in this, but also longevity in general.
The final thing I'd like to touch on with diet is coffee. Caffeinated coffee is a common staple for most people - it used to be for me too. For me, caffeine contributed to my energy spikes and dips throughout the day. I switched to decaf coffee well over a year ago, which came with some withdrawal symptoms for about a week; once I had become accustomed to decaf, my energy levels became so much more constant. I didn't feel tired throughout the day, and this meant I felt energised right until when it was time to go to bed. You may get benefit out of caffeine, but I think it is worth researching and looking into coffee for yourself.
Sleep
Sleep is so important. You know that. If you can (i.e. you don't do shift work), get yourself in a routine where you go to bed at the same time everyday and wake up at the same time too - everyday, including weekends, not just weekdays. I have been waking up at seven a.m. everyday including weekends for the past couple of years, to the point now where I don't need the alarm clock to go off - my body is just ready to start the day.
It varies, but the average person needs between seven and nine hours of sleep a night to keep healthy. Sleeping well, according to Healthline, will support your immune system, boost your concentration, reduce inflammation, and boost your mood. It has a powerful affect not just on how you feel, but your physical health - which will affect your healthspan and lifespan.
To sleep well, I'd recommend reading before you go to bed (do I always do this? No because I'm not perfect, but), I find it is easy to feel yourself drifting off when reading instead of looking at a screen. I'd also recommend cooling your sleeping environment down (to between 16 and 21°C), and don't eat for at least two hours before sleeping as digestive processes can disrupt sleep too. There's a good book on circadian rhythms called 'Life Time' by Russell Foster, which is worth a read if you are interested in getting better sleep. Better sleep will lead to a much better mental state throughout your day.
Mental Health
Everything I have talked about so far will have a cumulative effect on your mental health. Exercise, diet, and sleep; but also: how well your financial means matches your financial needs and desires; how meaningful your career is to you; then most importantly, the quality of your relationships.
Everybody wants to feel good, and there are a lot of moving parts as I just mentioned, but, what actually makes us feel good?
Values and Goals
A big part of the meaning in life (at least in mine) comes from feeling like you are progressing towards something. I take satisfaction in knowing that I am actively moving towards my goals in life. If I can reach the end of the day knowing that I have contributed, even a little bit, towards a valuable goal in my life, then that has been a day well spent.
Your goals should be things which line up with your values. Your values are things which intrinsically matter to you. I posture a simple question to figure out what actually matters to you in life: if money wasn't a concern, how would you live your life? This question strips away any superficial or materialistic concerns. Say you had all the money in the world. You had bought all the luxury items you could ever want, been to all the places in your dreams...what then? It is in the answer to this question you will find what actually matters to you - your values.
From these values you can strip away some goals you thought you needed. Do you need to experience purchasing the big house and the expensive car in order to achieve that end picture? Maybe you do, but I personally don't. Once you have your values and goals sorted: try to live by your values everyday, and try to make progress towards your goals everyday.
You are what you consume
Just as you are what you eat, with the entertainment and media content you consume: you are what you consume. Everything you take in will have some effect on you, either influencing your opinions or your mood - or possibly both. The benefit is: you can choose what to consume. If something depresses you, avoid consuming it. If something picks you up and makes you feel joy, consume it. There is a balance to be found though, you should not bury your head in the sand pursuing only instant hits of gratification in the forms of video games, or in binge watching the same series over and over again because they make you feel comfortable. These are okay, but in moderation.
Positive content can be entertainment. A meaningful podcast, movie, or tv program can be just as powerful, and life affirming, as reading a self-help book. Music is a great expression of emotion too, and can help relieve the stresses you have in a healthy way.
Therapy
Sometimes you need therapy to help work though different issues - that is okay. I have been to therapy, and it really helped me overcome my health anxiety (a.k.a. hypochondria). You should not be ashamed to reach out for therapy, and if you can you should reach out before things get really bad.
In my view, mental health is like a well. As my health anxiety began it wasn't a big problem, but it gradually and slowly got worse. After about 9 months of decline, I decided to get help in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but you can't jump out of the well immediately, it takes time to gradually climb back out. Fortunately, my climb out took a fraction of the time of my decline. My point is: if you feel you are low, or things are deteriorating, it is easier to intervene before things get to rock bottom - it makes recovery much faster. If you are at rock bottom, you can and will get better, and therapy will certainly help you climb out of the well - it may just take some time.
Social Media
One of the things I did whilst suffering with health anxiety, was to take a break from social media - then, eventually, I decided to delete it all together. Almost 3 years on from deleting my social media, I do not regret it one bit.
First of all, social media is a huge time suck. Features like infinite scroll and swipe down to refresh and see new content are there to keep you on the platform. There is a constant feeling of FOMO - even if it is subconscious - which results in habitually checking social media even if you don't actually care. Your brain just wants easy distracting content to stop it dealing with the other things going on in your life.
Secondly, you are constantly comparing yourself to other people. You are seeing the highlight reels and opinions of your friends, family, celebrities, and even strangers whilst you are seeing the everyday reality of your life around you. Everyone's life is pretty much the same, everyone deals with problems, no one's life is always sunshine and rainbows. Your opinions are also influenced by what you consume, and that includes social media. Reading other people's opinions (or their attention-seeking controversial statements) which you agree with, and those you disagree with, lead to unfair biases, prejudice, and even outright hatred against people you disagree with. Hatred is not something which is good for your mental health. It is certainly not good for the growing polarisation of society in general.
Thirdly, it fuels ego in everyone. When I had social media, I'd get excited when someone had liked my picture, or commented. I tied my self-worth and value to arbitrary numbers given to me by people who were, at best, friends, but most often just acquaintances. Why do you care whether your hairdresser, or that work colleague you barely speak to, likes your picture? Why do you feel a need to gain validation from other people? Certainly, why from those other people whom are outside of your most trusted and valued of friends? The simple answer is: you don't.
In my view, social media fuels this disconnected society that we inhabit. The majority of people have exchanged calling or meeting up with their friends, and actually maintaining their friendships with a pseudo-relationship based on postcard snippets from their lives. This creates a weird paradox where you don't need to catch up with someone, because you already know what they have done - yet, at the same time this doesn't maintain the relationship either. If you wouldn't maintain the relationship without social media, why are you pseudo-sharing your life with that person?
My personal opinion is: get rid of social media. Gain back more time in your day; stop comparing your life to the highlights of others; gain back control of your own opinions and stop being outraged by other people; only care about the opinions of those who actually care about you; and develop stronger relationships with those who care about you, and with those you actually want in your life. Your life will be so much better for it. I know mine is.
Health is a cumulation of your lifestyle
When it comes to health everything is interlinked. The state of your finances, career, relationships, diet, and exercise will all have an input into both your physical and mental health. If you can look after your health you will be able to improve your Lifespan and Healthspan, meaning you can enjoy life doing what you love doing for longer, with those you love and who love you. When your mental and physical health is strong, you are better situated to help others - it is not selfish to prioritise improving and maintaining your own health. In a way, it is like Rule 6 from Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life:
"Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world."
Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life
The essence being that: in order to ensure you can be of the most help to others, you have to be in a positive place yourself, otherwise you will not be as effective as you could be.
Make sure you take care of your health, it is the most important asset you hold - it is the essence of life itself.
Gratitude
The most important aspect of happiness is undoubtedly gratitude. I did not think about gratitude all that much until the start of 2023, but since then I have fully embraced a gratitude attitude which enables me to take whatever life throws at me with a smile and a spring in my step - after all I am lucky in so many ways.
In every situation we face there is something we can find in it to be grateful for. It takes practice, but you should be able to pick things which you are thankful for even in the hardest of times. Be grateful for the time that you had with a loved one; be grateful for the lesson you have learnt due to a setback; be grateful for the situation you are in, because there will always be someone out there who has it worse than you. Or as Jimmy Carr so simply put it:
"Gratitude is the cure for resentment."
Jimmy Carr, The Joe Rogan Experience #2045
Beyond finding gratitude in each situation we face, be it positive or negative, I believe it is necessary for us to all hold what I call The Foundational Gratitude.
The Foundational Gratitude
I previously suffered with health anxiety. I now have gratitude for having struggled with health anxiety because it allowed me to realise what the deeper problem was: the fear of death.
Coming to terms with your own mortality, and that of others, is a critical step for your own mental wellbeing. As Marcus Aurelius wrote in his diary, now known as Meditations:
"Epictetus used to say that when you kiss your child you should say to yourself: 'Tomorrow you may be dead.' But these are ominous words! 'No,' he replies, 'nothing is ominous which points to a natural process. Otherwise it would be ominous to speak of the corn being reaped."
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations (Book 11, 34)
Appreciate each living moment, for yourself, and for those moments you experience with those you love; but, do not begrudge the natural process of death as you would be competing against nature, and that much is not in your control.
According to citizens of one of the world's happiest countries, Bhutan, in order to be truly happy you must think about death five times a day.
To live a happy life you must come to terms with your mortality. To come to terms with your mortality, you must become truly grateful.
Death is terrifying to most atheists because there is nothing afterwards for them when their time runs out. I, myself, am an agnostic (we don't know), but for all intents and purposes I am an atheist - yet, I am no longer particularly concerned with my own mortality. The reason being, I am deeply grateful to be alive.
The odds that specifically you are alive at this moment in time, experiencing life, is so mathematically small it is almost infinitely improbable that you exist. Let me lay out a massively oversimplified chain of events so you get some level of appreciation. It has taken cosmic scales of luck for life to form on our planet, and even more for you to be reading this right now.
Our Solar System is situated in a part of the Milky Way Galaxy with the right conditions - it's not too violently active. Within our Solar System, Earth is in the Goldilocks Zone of the Sun - not too close to sterilise the surface, but not too far away to freeze it either. The Sun provides us with energy and protects us from harmful Galactic Cosmic Rays. We are lucky: for Earth to have an unusually large moon which has helped protect us from asteroid bombardment (the moon is actually larger than the dwarf planet Pluto); for Earth to have it's own magnetic field which protects us from the Sun's harmful radiation; for Earth to have the right chemical elements, have the right atmospheric composition, and be stable enough for billions of years for life to form; for the first lifeform to be able to adapt quick enough to a changing environment; for the dinosaurs to go extinct - without that asteroid it is unlikely we could have evolved to compete with the dinosaurs from the small mammals which existed at the time; for Humans to have migrated around the world from Africa; and, for each and everyone of your ancestors in an unbroken lineage to have passed on their genes (with the exact sperm and egg combination) for around 100,000 generations going back to Homo Habilis - if even one of your ancestors in that chain of one hundred thousand generations had died, or had a different mate pairing, or different sex cell had been involved in fertilisation you would not exist.
Thus, the fact you exist is a miracle.
One idea I find quite romantic, and it's true from a scientific standpoint too, is that our bodies are comprised of atoms which were forged in the hearts of stars, and scattered across the universe when those stars came to their end of their lives. We are literally made of star dust.
So, yes. Your life may be shitty. You may be going through some tough things. Just take a moment to place you hand on your heart, and simply feel it beating. Allow this serve as a reminder that: You are alive. Now. As far as we are aware, not many things have ever been able to comprehend their existence. How fortunate are you that you are one of them?
So, be it you are here for a long time or only a short while, you should hold a profound and deep level of gratitude, simply, for being alive - the foundational gratitude.
How to be Happy
So, how do we be happy? In my view, contrary to what Western society has told you, it isn't fame, money, or power.
As long as you can match your financial desires with (or below) your financial means you will be wealthy. Someone who possesses a lot of money is not rich if they are constantly wanting or needing more. There are very few things you can purchase with money which will matter to you in even ten years time. But, there are price-less things which will provide more value and enrich your life far greater than anything materialistic could.
Figure out your values. Derive your goals. Live your life by them.
Spend your life invested in a profession that you believe in, that rewards you intrinsically as well as providing for those extrinsic needs. Surround yourself and spend your life with people who want the best for you, and whom you want the best for.
Focus on spending the most valuable resource wisely: time.
You have a limited and unknown amount of time. Make sure that you do not neglect your health, as this will be at the detriment to both the quality and quantity of time that you have. Invest your time into those relationships which will yield large mutual returns, both emotionally and in regards to time - as strong valuable relationships literally lengthen our lives.
Finally, but arguably most importantly, find gratitude in every situation. Remember the Stoic teaching: be concerned only with what is in your control. Hold the foundational gratitude. Be grateful to experience life. This is the way that not even death can take away your happiness.
As for me, it is not in my control as to whether I have enough time to achieve all that I wish to accomplish. I would prefer to fall in love, get married, have children, get to see my grandchildren, great-grandchildren...maybe even great-great grandchildren if I can live long enough! Share more incredible moments and make amazing memories with the people I love. I can't guarantee this though. Most of these factors are out of my control. If I die with only some of my future dreams coming true, or maybe even none of them do, as long as I can say wholeheartedly that I lived by my values and tried hard everyday to make my dreams become a reality, I can die happy. Without regret. And, with a deep sense of gratitude for ever having lived at all.
Endnote
I have written this over a course of about 5 months. This has in some ways become a mini-book not a blog post. My thoughts on happiness had already slightly shifted in a couple of areas. My views will probably continue to subtly change over time, but that is why I started A Diary of Self-Improvement. The purpose of A Diary of Self-Improvement is not to share the personal or intimate details of my life, but to share the mindset and philosophical lessons I discover as I go through life, and document how my views change over time - to demonstrate we all make progress. We don't start out perfect, we will probably never reach perfect either, but over time, with effort, we will reach some assemblance of our full potential.
Acknowledgements
I’d just like to thank my friend K for the numerous conversations we have had over the years discussing these topics, as well as all of his feedback on this post. Also to Marc and Ryan for their feedback and proof-reading!
A massive thank you if you have read through, or listened to, all of this. If you enjoyed this, please consider liking and commenting, but more importantly subscribing to A Diary of Self-Improvement to keep up to date with the latest posts and receive daily quotes to keep philosophy in your mind. If you think someone could benefit from reading this too, why not share it with them?
Thank you,
Nate
All property figures correct as of 3rd September 2023.
£79,560 is 26% of £306,000, rounded up to £80,000 to avoid overcomplication.
25 year mortgage value of £226,440 at an interest rate of 5.94% (average mortgage rate), leading to a monthly repayment of £1,450
The average can of Coke Zero has 200mg of Aspartame in it, and according the the European Food Safety Agency you can consume 40mg per kg of body weight per day. (72kg * 40mg)/200mg = 14.4 330ml cans per day, or 4.75L
Wow man! I've never seen so much value in a free post. The amount of knowledge you put into this is unbelievable. I especially like the point about values and goals. My philosophy is that we are happy when we have goals that take a certain level of effort to achieve and we make progress toward them. Earned a sub.